I'm starting to realize that people are not as perfect as I ever thought, even Latter Day Saints. I assumed everyone was so perfect, but the more I read, the more I see, the more I realize that everyone hides things. Everyone has their secrets. No one is perfect. It makes me feel more hopeful about myself. I'm not just some freak or outcast that's going nowhere.
I'm still in an awkward spot with the boyfriend, even though he probably doesn't know it. It seems the more time I spend away from him, the more I time I spend really contemplating our relationship as a whole and where it's really going. The more I wonder if this is really right for me. I wanna get out now, but I'm still so attached. I want to make things work. I know there's issues on both sides that the the two of us need to work on and I'm willing to try. I'm not one to just give up. I want to try. I'm just starting to feel that he doesn't want to. He's said to me before that he doesn't want me to change. Sorry, but people do change. It's up to us to either reject or accept that change and choose to move with it or let it go. I feel that he doesn't understand this and doesn't understand that I want to improve myself. I'm not entirely happy with myself right now. I need to make changes. I need improvement and I need someone who wants me to be my best. I want someone who is willing to accept that I can be more than mediocre. Even if he thinks I'm the best already, he should be willing to understand that better can always be done.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Babblings and Bumbles
I really should blog more often. Not that I have a life that matters or that I even had time this semester.
To be honest, I barely had any free time for anything this fall semester. I had no motivation to take photos on my own time or anything. And lately, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I slept through a lot of finals week and pushed studying for finals and working on projects until the last minute. My boyfriend actually asked me if I might be depressed. I told him no, but I'm not really sure what I think.
I kind of think this semester just wore me out. I have this underlying drive to go out and do something, but I don't know what, yet I sleep half the day away and sit on my butt playing computer games. That's basically what my break has been comprised of so far. I have a lot I want to accomplish over the break but no real motivation to do it for some reason. Maybe I am depressed, but I hate thinking that. I already consider myself an acute hypochondriac, and my sister suffers from depression so I hate to feel I might have the same issues. And I especially don't want my parents knowing if I am.
Everything's so frustrating right now. I have a semester left of school and I'm left trying to figure out now what I want to do when I graduate. My options are as follows, 1.) Move back home with parents, 2.) Find a job at home and move into an apartment with my sister, 3.) Go to grad school, and 4.) Work my butt off and through a million complications to open an art supply store in my college town.
Option four is what I really want, but I'm not sure if it's really going to work out for me. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's meant to be with me and my boyfriend. Take the following example for instance:
I started some internship work on Thursday at a wedding reception. I looked at how beautiful and happy the couple was. I thought about how much I wanted that for myself. I kept trying to envision my boyfriend proposing or us together like that at our wedding reception. I don't think I thought about him and I as much as I did about just me being happy with someone. When I got home and talked to him, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but after a few minutes, that happy feeling subsided and I didn't even want to discuss it with him let alone tease him about proposing. I can't imagine my life without him, but I'm starting to wonder if I can imagine the rest of my life with him.
Sorry this turned out more about my boyfriend issues, but I'll try my best to update more often.
To be honest, I barely had any free time for anything this fall semester. I had no motivation to take photos on my own time or anything. And lately, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I slept through a lot of finals week and pushed studying for finals and working on projects until the last minute. My boyfriend actually asked me if I might be depressed. I told him no, but I'm not really sure what I think.
I kind of think this semester just wore me out. I have this underlying drive to go out and do something, but I don't know what, yet I sleep half the day away and sit on my butt playing computer games. That's basically what my break has been comprised of so far. I have a lot I want to accomplish over the break but no real motivation to do it for some reason. Maybe I am depressed, but I hate thinking that. I already consider myself an acute hypochondriac, and my sister suffers from depression so I hate to feel I might have the same issues. And I especially don't want my parents knowing if I am.
Everything's so frustrating right now. I have a semester left of school and I'm left trying to figure out now what I want to do when I graduate. My options are as follows, 1.) Move back home with parents, 2.) Find a job at home and move into an apartment with my sister, 3.) Go to grad school, and 4.) Work my butt off and through a million complications to open an art supply store in my college town.
Option four is what I really want, but I'm not sure if it's really going to work out for me. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's meant to be with me and my boyfriend. Take the following example for instance:
I started some internship work on Thursday at a wedding reception. I looked at how beautiful and happy the couple was. I thought about how much I wanted that for myself. I kept trying to envision my boyfriend proposing or us together like that at our wedding reception. I don't think I thought about him and I as much as I did about just me being happy with someone. When I got home and talked to him, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but after a few minutes, that happy feeling subsided and I didn't even want to discuss it with him let alone tease him about proposing. I can't imagine my life without him, but I'm starting to wonder if I can imagine the rest of my life with him.
Sorry this turned out more about my boyfriend issues, but I'll try my best to update more often.
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