Neglect

I feel bad that almost everything I post about my boyfriend is negative, which this will be another one. But maybe I just don't have that much positive anymore from our relationship.

I've been feeling really neglected lately by him. I work all day, typically much longer than him. Sometimes when I come home I just want to relax and cuddle with him, but he just seems distant and doesn't really care. I'm starting to see how he felt this past year about how I'm sure I treated him. I'm sure I deserve some of this, but I'm really upset over the last couple of days.

I've been telling the boyfriend since mid-week last week that I wanted to go watch the Perseids Meteor Shower this past weekend. I reminded him several times the day of as well. I told him I'd take a nap and we could leave at midnight, since I had to be up for work Monday morning. When I woke up, there were several other friends of his over (mind you, we were at his apartment). Boyfriend told me we probably wouldn't see much because of the storm that had come through. I was disappointed. I went outside anyway. Turns out I could see like 80% of the sky still. I layed in the parking lot and saw just one meteor. I went back in to see if we could still go. He said he didn't really want to drive out on wet roads, which weren't very wet, or get caught in the storm, which the storm had already completely passed. I was upset and hurt that I he had told me before that we would go and now he was telling me no.

Then the next night I went over to his place to hang out and we sat outside with one of our friends for a while to wait for another friend. I brought up the meteor shower and he responded with an apology about how he didn't expect us to have company that night when we did. That was not an excuse he brought up the night before and when I called him on it, he ignored me and continued in a conversation with our friend. I was even more mad that he was now ignoring me about something that had been so important to me. I was just so frustrated that I felt like he was just making up excuses so he could hang out with his other friends and not me. He did something very similar with the solar eclipse a few months ago, and that also was really important to me that he blew me off.

I'm just so tired of feeling like anything that's important to me is less important than what he wants to do. It's just rude and annoying and I feel like I get taken advantage of a lot by him. I'm tired of him inviting me to hang out and then basically ignoring me or sending me off to do my own thing because I don't want to play Magic with him and his friends when he already knows it.

I'm just tired of feeling like I'm in a relationship that doesn't matter.

Your Voice Still Echos in the Hallway

I sincerely apologize for not updating sooner, for those who actually read this, if anyone. The last two weeks have been pretty rough.

Last Monday, I got a call early in the morning that they were wanting to do a background check for that secretary job I applied for. I was so excited! I had been starting to freak out because they said they would have sent an email the week previous about one if they were interested in me, and I never got anything. About 8 p.m. I got an email that said I had been officially offered the job. After all the stress of trying to find a job, I finally had one, and felt so much better.

About two hours later I got a pretty devastating call from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while.

I found out that my friend/ex-boyfriend passed away just that morning. We dated off and on for four years, my high school sweet heart. He was the first boyfriend I had truly considered marrying, he even gave me a promise ring on our high school graduation day. His death wasn't officially confirmed until a few hours later, but I didn't know it would hurt so bad, or that I still even cared that much. He had been suffering from nocturnal seizures the last couple of years. His family still hadn't received the autopsy report, but they assumed it was another seizure. It's still hard to talk about, even write about. It's still hard to accept that someone so young, someone I had once been so close to, could die. I was so excited about my job, but suddenly so depressed. My family took it just about as hard as me.

I know I had moved on from my relationship with him, but you can't just suddenly stop caring for someone you once had been so attached to. To be honest, he was the only boyfriend I've truly considered a best friend. I didn't want to do anything the rest of the week.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn't/doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling. He kept wanting to go out and do lots of stuff and kept bugging me for sex. I'm sorry, sex does not make me feel better like it does for him. He would act like everything was normal and okay. Just because I'm not crying does not mean I feel great, or even okay. I'd get easily upset (mad, sad, etc.) and I just wanted someone to comfort me. He took all my emotions personally like they were directed at him, which some were, but most of them were just my confusion, anger, and sorrow manifesting whenever they could. I just wanted him to understand and be there for me, and it seemed like more often he just really didn't care. And the more he didn't care, the more I missed my ex and the relationship we had.

I started to think more about what might have happened if we had gotten back together (again). I started to wonder if maybe I should have stayed with him. I was just so lost and hurt. I still kind of am.

His funeral was this past Monday. The man who spoke was the pastor from their church, a place I didn't care much for. He's one of those in-your-face, yelling pastors. His funeral was pretty much just another sermon for this pastor. It made me frustrated. I wanted to hear about Will (that's his name), his life, and what a good person he really was. We didn't get much of that.

His family is pretty religious and they seemed to be accepting his death pretty well. I think I felt the worst for his girlfriend though. Most of us had never met her. She really didn't know anyone. She just stood around awkwardly. I don't think I ever saw her cry, either, not to say she wasn't upset because everyone goes through the mourning process differently. It was just kind of sad to watch her stand there by herself, and I didn't exactly want to introduce myself for the first time at the funeral, especially being the ex he dated the longest.

I'm slowly starting to feel better, but I feel like no matter what, everything reminds me of him. I've never lost anyone this close to me before, besides pets, and I just don't know what to expect from myself.

This post is long enough as is, so I'll post later about my job and all the nothingness I've done.


~Justine

Cool things

Decided to visit a local church's garage sale today. Found a couple of neat things like a bamboo steamer for a $1 and a really lovely candle holder for $1.

Then I came across this beauty.





















They wanted $75 originally. They were packing everything up and after much bargaining I paid $25 for this lovely record/CD/cassette/radio player combo. Got home and checked everything out. The CD player is the only thing that doesn't work. Figures. lol. I'm hoping to find someone to help me with that. I'm super excited that the record player works; it plays 78s and 45s! :)

Also, got to talk to the boyfriend yesterday on his way home for the weekend. Turns out he found someone who works for the Physical Plant and is going to recommend him for that custodial job I was trying to help him out with. He just has to come in on Monday and apply in person. I'm super excited for him. I really hope he gets this, he needs it.
I'm supposed to be headed that way to school in about a week and a half. I'll finally get to see him! I miss him a lot. I really hope if he does get that job that he'll still be able to come to my friend's wedding with me. I'm crossing my fingers. :]

Sad Face

I figured I'd split posts about the last two days into two posts so it won't be so long to read.

I had a bit of a breakdown about the boyfriend yesterday. So we'll start with the bad and work our way to the good.

I managed to find a brand spankin' new job posting for the school and quickly informed him about it via text. He replies by asking me to fill it out for him and I happily obliged. I did not realize all the info I would really need from him so I just called. He was barely listening to me even after asking him several times to give me one of his reference's numbers. It very well could have been all the storms interfering with reception but I was still very frustrated. He eventually called me back and said he would just fill it out the next day. I still don't know if he did, I hope he did.

But this kind of attitude is really starting to bother me. "Oh, I'll just do it tomorrow" kind of attitude. He needs a job. Putting it off until tomorrow is not helping. He passes up even small jobs with the excuse that it won't give him enough hours. Then just get another job along with it! A job is a job and money is money. If he has a job, even if it's not covering everything, it'll be a lot easier for others to want to help him out and he could probably cover up that last little bit of money he owes a lot easier. It's all very frustrating. Especially knowing that I've lent him $100 already to cover his bills from last month and now I'm left paying the entire TV bill, that I'm not even watching until July.

I've pestered him a lot about saving more money and setting a budget. He kept telling me he would, but I just kept seeing him go off and splurge on some new video game or what not. I would be fine with this if it was like a $20 game every paycheck, but he was spending like $70+ every paycheck on movies, games, etc. He could have saved that money for a crisis like now.

I understand being upset over losing your job and having the trouble of finding a new one, especially in a college town, but I wish he would try his best to take care of the rest of his life. The last time I visited, only a week after being gone from school, his apartment was already a pit, worse than I've ever seen it. I'm left wondering if this is just him being a bachelor or just him, especially after feeling like I was the one always cleaning the place before.

All of these attitudes and behaviors I've seen from him have left me wondering if this is somone I really want to marry. I'm worried that I'll be the one left having to work all the time. Not that I have an issue with being the one who brings the income, but I don't want to feel like I have to be the one to always work. I'm afraid that I'll be the one always having to clean because he'll be too lazy to remember or care until last minute. And I'm definitely scared about money and budgeting.

I talked with my sister about how I could get him to clean more. I mean, if I set up a schedule for cleaning between the two of us for his apartment, how do I enforce it? As my sister suggested, I could tell him that if he doesn't do his share for the day or the week that I'll just stay at my own place without him.

It's just frustrating feeling like I have to discipline him or something. I hate feeling like I'm taking care of a child.

Maybe this is just a phase and it'll pass soon, or maybe I'll figure out soon that he's not the one I'm supposed to marry. Either way I hope everything works out.