I sincerely apologize for not updating sooner, for those who actually read this, if anyone. The last two weeks have been pretty rough.
Last Monday, I got a call early in the morning that they were wanting to do a background check for that secretary job I applied for. I was so excited! I had been starting to freak out because they said they would have sent an email the week previous about one if they were interested in me, and I never got anything. About 8 p.m. I got an email that said I had been officially offered the job. After all the stress of trying to find a job, I finally had one, and felt so much better.
About two hours later I got a pretty devastating call from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while.
I found out that my friend/ex-boyfriend passed away just that morning. We dated off and on for four years, my high school sweet heart. He was the first boyfriend I had truly considered marrying, he even gave me a promise ring on our high school graduation day. His death wasn't officially confirmed until a few hours later, but I didn't know it would hurt so bad, or that I still even cared that much. He had been suffering from nocturnal seizures the last couple of years. His family still hadn't received the autopsy report, but they assumed it was another seizure. It's still hard to talk about, even write about. It's still hard to accept that someone so young, someone I had once been so close to, could die. I was so excited about my job, but suddenly so depressed. My family took it just about as hard as me.
I know I had moved on from my relationship with him, but you can't just suddenly stop caring for someone you once had been so attached to. To be honest, he was the only boyfriend I've truly considered a best friend. I didn't want to do anything the rest of the week.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn't/doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling. He kept wanting to go out and do lots of stuff and kept bugging me for sex. I'm sorry, sex does not make me feel better like it does for him. He would act like everything was normal and okay. Just because I'm not crying does not mean I feel great, or even okay. I'd get easily upset (mad, sad, etc.) and I just wanted someone to comfort me. He took all my emotions personally like they were directed at him, which some were, but most of them were just my confusion, anger, and sorrow manifesting whenever they could. I just wanted him to understand and be there for me, and it seemed like more often he just really didn't care. And the more he didn't care, the more I missed my ex and the relationship we had.
I started to think more about what might have happened if we had gotten back together (again). I started to wonder if maybe I should have stayed with him. I was just so lost and hurt. I still kind of am.
His funeral was this past Monday. The man who spoke was the pastor from their church, a place I didn't care much for. He's one of those in-your-face, yelling pastors. His funeral was pretty much just another sermon for this pastor. It made me frustrated. I wanted to hear about Will (that's his name), his life, and what a good person he really was. We didn't get much of that.
His family is pretty religious and they seemed to be accepting his death pretty well. I think I felt the worst for his girlfriend though. Most of us had never met her. She really didn't know anyone. She just stood around awkwardly. I don't think I ever saw her cry, either, not to say she wasn't upset because everyone goes through the mourning process differently. It was just kind of sad to watch her stand there by herself, and I didn't exactly want to introduce myself for the first time at the funeral, especially being the ex he dated the longest.
I'm slowly starting to feel better, but I feel like no matter what, everything reminds me of him. I've never lost anyone this close to me before, besides pets, and I just don't know what to expect from myself.
This post is long enough as is, so I'll post later about my job and all the nothingness I've done.
~Justine
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