Better than Mediocrity

I'm starting to realize that people are not as perfect as I ever thought, even Latter Day Saints. I assumed everyone was so perfect, but the more I read, the more I see, the more I realize that everyone hides things. Everyone has their secrets. No one is perfect. It makes me feel more hopeful about myself. I'm not just some freak or outcast that's going nowhere.

I'm still in an awkward spot with the boyfriend, even though he probably doesn't know it. It seems the more time I spend away from him, the more I time I spend really contemplating our relationship as a whole and where it's really going. The more I wonder if this is really right for me. I wanna get out now, but I'm still so attached. I want to make things work. I know there's issues on both sides that the the two of us need to work on and I'm willing to try. I'm not one to just give up. I want to try. I'm just starting to feel that he doesn't want to. He's said to me before that he doesn't want me to change. Sorry, but people do change. It's up to us to either reject or accept that change and choose to move with it or let it go. I feel that he doesn't understand this and doesn't understand that I want to improve myself. I'm not entirely happy with myself right now. I need to make changes. I need improvement and I need someone who wants me to be my best. I want someone who is willing to accept that I can be more than mediocre. Even if he thinks I'm the best already, he should be willing to understand that better can always be done.

Babblings and Bumbles

I really should blog more often. Not that I have a life that matters or that I even had time this semester.

To be honest, I barely had any free time for anything this fall semester. I had no motivation to take photos on my own time or anything. And lately, all I've wanted to do is sleep. I slept through a lot of finals week and pushed studying for finals and working on projects until the last minute. My boyfriend actually asked me if I might be depressed. I told him no, but I'm not really sure what I think.

I kind of think this semester just wore me out. I have this underlying drive to go out and do something, but I don't know what, yet I sleep half the day away and sit on my butt playing computer games. That's basically what my break has been comprised of so far. I have a lot I want to accomplish over the break but no real motivation to do it for some reason. Maybe I am depressed, but I hate thinking that. I already consider myself an acute hypochondriac, and my sister suffers from depression so I hate to feel I might have the same issues. And I especially don't want my parents knowing if I am.

Everything's so frustrating right now. I have a semester left of school and I'm left trying to figure out now what I want to do when I graduate. My options are as follows, 1.) Move back home with parents, 2.) Find a job at home and move into an apartment with my sister, 3.) Go to grad school, and 4.) Work my butt off and through a million complications to open an art supply store in my college town.

Option four is what I really want, but I'm not sure if it's really going to work out for me. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's meant to be with me and my boyfriend. Take the following example for instance:

I started some internship work on Thursday at a wedding reception. I looked at how beautiful and happy the couple was. I thought about how much I wanted that for myself. I kept trying to envision my boyfriend proposing or us together like that at our wedding reception. I don't think I thought about him and I as much as I did about just me being happy with someone. When I got home and talked to him, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but after a few minutes, that happy feeling subsided and I didn't even want to discuss it with him let alone tease him about proposing. I can't imagine my life without him, but I'm starting to wonder if I can imagine the rest of my life with him.

Sorry this turned out more about my boyfriend issues, but I'll try my best to update more often.

High-Waisted

Shirt- Rainbow

Shorts- Thrifted

Necklace- Rue21

Belt- Previously owned (Walmart?)

Shoes- Previously owned

So this is the first time I've worn these, as well as the first high-waisted shorts I've worn since middle school. I bought them at a local thrift store for like $2. I was stoked. I'm especially stoked about the fact that they hide my muffin top well.

I've always wanted a pair of high-waisted shorts but I always have issues finding a pair that doesn't accentuate the fact that I have a little extra padding around the middle. Hopefully, I can find a few more pairs that will fit me this well. :)

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Disasters of a Coffee Adict

So I don't update often, sorry. I just got a new phone though! A smart phone in fact. I just downloaded an app to help me update on the go. Hopefully, you'll see some more updates from me now.

So, I've been falling in love with coffee. So much that I spent a good chunk of my school food points on lattes. :P You know that song, Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg? I feel that describes my love for coffee. Lol

Well, after realizing I was spending a lot of money on coffee and running out of flex points, I decided to finally figure out my boyfriend's espresso machine. I was finally starting to understand its workings when unfortunate events happened.

I knocked the carafe off the counter and it SHATTERED. :(

I'll insert a picture of the shattered state later.

So, now I owe my boyfriend a new espresso carafe.

I do feel plenty excited over the fact that I did finally buy my own four cup coffee maker. :)

It may not be as delicious as my Starbucks lattes, but they satisfy. :)

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Procrastination Begins

Ugh. A week and a half into school and I'm already not feeling it. I'm stretched really thin between my upper level major classes and all my extra-curricular activities and offices. I just want someone else to do it for me. :/ But I wouldn't grow from my experiences if I did that, would I? Or would I? :]  Lol. j/k
So of course I'm procrastinating my current 3 assignments that are due tomorrow to update my blog!

But really though, here's my work load as of late:

1.   Fliers for AOII recruitment
2.   Fliers for I Spy a Pi
3.   Fliers for RHA General meetings
4.   Fliers for RHA'S Magic the Gathering Draft
5.   Two journal responses for Comparative Religion
6.   Response to letter to the editor for Publication Design
7.   Accounting homework
8.   Word list and color list for first project in Publication Design
9.   Chapter meeting on Mondays
10. Philanthropy meeting on Wednesday
11. Work on Wednesdays
12. ERC meeting on Wednesday
13. RHA General meeting on Thursdays

And that about wraps it up for this week.
And people wonder why I can't make them a flier in a day...

Classes!

Accounting: Eh, ok. Kind of boring so I'm struggling to follow anything just because I'm so bored.
Yoga: My teacher's a hoot. She used the phrase, "it was the bomb dot com." And her ring tone is a barking dog. :)
Comparative Religion: When I first got into this class I was paranoid of overly religious nuts shoving their beliefs in everyone's faces. Unfortunately, we have the opposite end of the spectrum with one particular male in our class. He's very anti-religious. He brings up good points for discussion, but he's always so rude and condescending. He never raises his hand and always interrupts someone. He's even interrupted our own professor... Nothing gets on my nerves more than this. >:[
Publication Design: Fun times! I'm pretty excited about this class, but I know it's going to be tons of hard work. Yikes. We learned about the "golden ratio" and how legit it is. Dude. Look it up. NAO.
Multimedia Design: Just as awesome and so far has been pretty laid back with no homework. Awesome.


And now you have a rough update of how I've been. Yay for stressed out Justine!! :(

First day of Badge Attire

I know I haven't updated and I don't promise any big updates soon either unfortunately. Today was the first day of the semester for badge attire for my sorority and I was way excited. I hope you can tell. :)

Shirt: Rainbow

Skirt: Etsy

Belt: Rue21 (Only $1!)

Shoes: My momma

Necklace: Rue21

Earing (Not pictured): Thrifted

I think overall I spent roughly $25 on this entire ensemble, well, besides my badges which I spent a good chunk of money on. They were totally worth it, though. :)

I must say I'm in love with my ankles. I should wear heels more often. My butt also looks rather large in that last picture... Oh my.

Temporary Hiatus

Last week was sorority recruitment week and I litterally had only a couple hours of free time the entire past week and now I'm home this week until Sunday. Lots of shopping so far that I've been home, but not a whole lot overall. Sorry, but you probably won't get many decent posts until next week.

So for now, here's the rainbow cupcakes I made last night! :)

Fashionable Summer Heat

I've been working quite a bit this weekend. We've got to finish cleaning out our office tomorrow. It looks horrendous right now. D: I've also started moving some of my stuff to my room for the fall semester. Whoo.

Since I don't feel I have much to really post about, here's the outfit of today for beating this nasty humid summer heat.

Top: Rue21

Vest: Rue21

Necklace: Claire's

Shorts: Wet Seal

Shoes: Walmart

This last picture I think is my favorite. :)

Painting Clothes

• Necklace: Gift from my grandma
• Shirt: Gift from a friend
• Pants: $4 at Sears
• Shoes: I honestly have no idea, they've been in the closet forever and I've used them for plays and such and just now pulled them out for actual wear. :)

This was actually yesterday's outfit, mostly something I didn't really mind getting paint on while I worked on screen printing stuff, which btw, SUUUUUCKED.

I really did enjoy wearing this. I love the top; it's really nice for this exhausting summer heat. And I'm really growing attached to those shoes. I really don't like shoes that come to my ankles like this (I find them really irritating), but these are way too adorbs, so I just ignore that. lol

Too bad I'm still attempting to stay anonymous here otherwise I'd show you my super cute sunglasses and bandanna I wore with this as well. :)

P.S. I love the fact that I've lost enough weight to fit back into these size 1 jeans from high school. Don't worry, most of my pants consist of sizes 5-7 still. :P

First Outfit

First outfit of my own I've shown here. I'll try and remember to take more photos to post each day.

• Shirt - Walmart
• Necklace - Claire's
• Belt - Rue 21
• Skirt - Rue 21
• Leggings - Wholesale-Dress
• Shoes - Cato

The most I spent was on the skirt last summer, $20. Everything else was $5 and under. I love sales!

Screen Printing Class

I've loved this summer class so far. Too bad it's the last week of class and I still haven't officially printed anything. Ugh. So lame.


Quick run-down of how class has been:


First week - introduction to what the class is about and what we'll be doing. Thursday was planned for our first demo, but maintenance started painting the room we needed without asking our professor.
Second week - Create designs and research for next assignment. Painting still not finished and room still not available.
Third week - More designs and research. Finally had first demo on Tuesday. Wednesday started burning images, but Thursday class cancelled due to issues with exposure time.
Fourth week (this week) - Such a big class and so little to do in such a small room at one time. I ended up leaving earlier, like most of the class. I left early because of all the water everywhere in the air was beginning to get my papers wet. Obnoxious.


Hopefully, I'll actually get some decent things accomplished this week before the class is officially over. I'm pretty excited though. I'm more excited about my tshirt design than I am my poster design.

I have a more finished version, but I didn't have time to take a photo. I've just been too consumed with watching Dexter. Such an awesome show.

This is my t-shirt design. I'm way more excited about this than I am about that poster. I love this way more! I can't wait! Even if I don't have time in class I'm totally gonna get this done during the next semester.

Awkward Meetings

Feeling insecure about the boyfriend after a while, I decided to possibly look for someone new.
I started talking to this guy, Ben*. I met him on Chemistry.com. Looking at his profile pic he was rather attractive and after texting back and forth for a while he seemed nice and we decided to meet. We decided to meet at the mall, head to dinner, and go see Transformers 3.

I had to try and cram in Transformers 2 before I headed out since I hadn't watched it yet and headed out immediately afterward (even after having to skim through a few parts to watch it all). I headed over to meet Ben and waited through about 15 minutes of some man hacking up a lung and some kid playing a neighing horse sound before he finally showed up.

He wasn't as attractive as I had hoped. He was much shorter than his profile said (still taller than me) and he was a bit chunky. Not that chunky is bad, just not what I expected. Talking with him in person was rather awkward and conversations didn't really flow well. We walked around for longer than expected and didn't have time for a real dinner other than Subway. After food we went straight to the movie.

He payed for my ticket after much insisting. Halfway through the movie he decides to put his arm around me. I was nice and let him do it. Thankfully, he didn't try to hold my hand. I could not get comfortable with his arm around me at all. It sucked. He drove me home afterward and when we pulled in my driveway I leaned over and gave him a hug. I think he was expecting a kiss and I felt slightly awkward after pulling away.

He wanted me to come see fireworks with him but I was so afraid if I did go he would totally try to put the moves on me. That was not how I wanted to spend my last weekend at home.

He sent me a text Sunday morning (July 3rd).

Good morning. Wish this day was as beautiful as you.

Ugh. I still don't know how to feel other than weirded out. That would be sweet if we were really dating, but not after just one date. That's really awkward.

I haven't texted him since. Thankfully, he hasn't texted me either.

Man, why do I attract awkward men? I should probably stop looking for guys online. I'm starting to realize why they're left with looking for women online...

I am TERRIBLE

Yes, I am terrible at updating this.

So, Independence Day weekend was pretty awesome. Vond* fireworks are awesome as always and I took quite a few photos like always. They have a huge family and make up a good majority of everyone in the wards in my town. A lot of them have really good paying jobs like lawyers, dentists, and doctors so they have quite a bit of money to spend on the display. They rig it up to music and everything. It's the best display around. They've also been told that they spend more money on fireworks than the city.
A love the display because it's usually about 20 to 30 minutes of constant fireworks not like the city where it's "Boom! . . . . Boom! . . . . Boom!"
Vond's are like "Boom! Boom! Boom!" Lol. I'm sure you loved that explanation.

I got to see my best friend from childhood (the one who just got married in Louisiana) and spent some time with her on Monday before I left for school.

I've been at school since and quite a bit has happened while here and I'll save that for another update which hopefully will come soon!

YSA Conference

So I have lots and lots to update about, but I'll just start off with the YSA Conference.

Tons of fun! And I really enjoyed the lessons/workshops we had.

I met some really awesome guys during the Speed Dating activity, but I couldn't ever find them afterward and obviously I didn't make a big enough impression on them for them to find me. Lame. :(

I did meet one really super awesome guy, too bad he was WAY more into my sister than me. Also lame.

I was very frustrated with my friend Sam*. I used to think she was an extrovert until this conference. She didn't want to randomly talk with people or go out of her way to meet new people. She clung to me and my sister for the majority of the conference and always wanted to leave early. She was such a downer and I feel like I could've met more people if I hadn't had to deal with her. It was still nice getting to catch up with her.

I have some serious confusion about another guy though. Dane* goes to school at my university. I'm not really best friends with him or anything and have barely spent time with him in the past. He's had a girlfriend for so long so I never really pushed the idea of hanging out or even dating him while I was single. He's super nice though and very down to earth and not overly conservative. I love talking with him when I get the chance.
Well, at the conference I saw him a few times and he really just said hi and asked how I was. Apparently though, he kept running into my sister. It seemed like every time he saw her he was telling her to tell me that he missed me and what-not. It just seemed like he was more zealous about me when talking to someone else, than to me. What does this mean though? Does he secretly like my sister and that's the connection he has to attempt to talk to her? Or is really interested in me and too nervous to show it? Or does he really not care and just wants to be nice? Ugh, boys.




P.S. Remember Jessica from this post? I forgot to update sooner about her, but the week after that dinner, she showed up at our ward with a guy.Turns out the guy was her boyfriend. Um... wat? Trying to flirt hardcore with other boys to really have a boyfriend. Ok, I know, I have a boyfriend, too, but I'm trying THAT hard to flirt.

Dear Shia Labeouf...

Dear Shia Labeouf,

Please marry me.

Love always,
Justine




I promise to update with a real post soon!

Wired

I swear my mother has our house wired.

First, my sister and I have been complaining a lot since the beginning of summer how in the past few years of adulthood, our parents still treated us as children. Curfews, "you can't go out until your room is clean", wake up calls, etc.
Suddenly this summer is different. The occasional wake up call for church, but that's it. Strange.

Second, during my trip to Louisiana, my boyfriend and I stayed the night together at a hotel instead of risking getting lost from each other while staying at free housing. We really didn't do anything either. We were just way too tired.
As soon as I told my mom she said, "It's ok, I'm actually glad you got a hotel. I was talking with your [grandma] last night about that if you were going to do anything together you would have already done it. You're both adults and we can't do anything about it." Um... wait what? Definitely different behavior from my parents that I am used to.

Third, my sister and I have been annoyed lately with my mother. We all know our house is a mess, but Mom acts as if it's everyone else's mess but her own. Ugh. I have even less motivation to clean when someone blames me and can't even take responsibility for their own mess.
Today, I wake up to my mother actually cleaning the house. She's cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed rooms, dusted, etc.

Seriously though, either the house is wired or they've drilled tiny holes through the walls to hear what we're talking about. Whatever it is, I'm kind of scared.

Dericious Food

I haven't been updating much lately. :/ So... I decided I'd update now, even if it is just a little.

So I really haven't been doing much of importance lately other than shop and cook.

I'm feeling the need for a new wardrobe. If only I had enough courage to actually get rid of clothing I don't wear. I'm so attached to my belongings. :/ But I have bought some new jewelry now to add to my clothing! I love sales at Claire's and Rue 21. :)

I've been super proud of myself lately for cooking, too! The other day I made this amazing recipe for avocado corn chowder that I found from Busy Bee Lauren here. I found myself adding leftovers of this to whatever I could. It's just so good.
I also made some of this amazing snack mix. I also found this recipe thanks to Busy Bee Lauren.
And today I made tzatziki sauce for gyros! It's all been so good and it's even more awesome knowing that everyone else likes it, too.

I should cook more often. :)

P.S. Been watching American Ninja Warrior marathon today. I love the show. I hate when they call it "Mount Midoriyama". Yama is Japanese for "mountain". It's like saying "Mount Midori Mountain". Redundant? Yes.

Crazy people in Kentucky

This lady's gut was hanging out all over the place in this. Then before they left she had to have a friend retie her halter.

I was told that Kmart had a sale of these. Not sure why someone would feel it approapriate to wear this to a graduation ceremony, let alone buy a dress with text on their butt.

Older woman, so understandable to a degree. She definitely stood out compared to the rest of everyone sitting in her area.

Weekends

Sorry for not updating until now. Just another busy week!

So last weekend while in Kentucky we got to do a lot of super fun things. Visited a bunch of Good Wills and picked up some adorable clothes to add to my wardrobe. Ate at some amazing restaurants. Yum.

There were tons of ridiculously crazy people at my niece's graduation.

We went to this cool ferry on the river that can take three cars across at a time. The guy working was super cool and let us even get up and walk around to take pictures.

Had a little party with amazing grilled food for my niece's graduation. Afterward we went to a local carnival where my sister and I just walked around people watched.

----

Then there's this weekend. So much fun with the boyfriend. We left at about 8 a.m. for Louisiana Friday morning. We got a bit lost but tons of fun talking and sight seeing.

Pulling into the stake center was so amazing because the first thing you see is the temple. It was like the size of my church building at home. So small. The stake center looked twice as big.

I got to see my friend. She was so beautiful and amazing. I wish I could have spent more time with her but I still felt special knowing she was still blowing off some of her other guests to talk to me.
I really wanted to cry. She really was beautiful and all grown up. I felt like a nothing compared to my best friend standing there in all her beautiful bride glory. Oh well. Maybe I'll be there someday.

Busy week!

I apologize for not updating in a while. I visited my relatives in Kentucky over the weekend for my niece's high school graduation. I'll have plenty of pictures of crazy people to show.

Did some shopping and got some adorable new clothes! Can't wait to wear them and show them off. :)

Unfortunately, I've got stuff going on again this week so I probably won't be posting much. I'll try to post something small at least about what I've been doing.

I'll give you a little more insight into my weekend later. :]

♥

Cool things

Decided to visit a local church's garage sale today. Found a couple of neat things like a bamboo steamer for a $1 and a really lovely candle holder for $1.

Then I came across this beauty.





















They wanted $75 originally. They were packing everything up and after much bargaining I paid $25 for this lovely record/CD/cassette/radio player combo. Got home and checked everything out. The CD player is the only thing that doesn't work. Figures. lol. I'm hoping to find someone to help me with that. I'm super excited that the record player works; it plays 78s and 45s! :)

Also, got to talk to the boyfriend yesterday on his way home for the weekend. Turns out he found someone who works for the Physical Plant and is going to recommend him for that custodial job I was trying to help him out with. He just has to come in on Monday and apply in person. I'm super excited for him. I really hope he gets this, he needs it.
I'm supposed to be headed that way to school in about a week and a half. I'll finally get to see him! I miss him a lot. I really hope if he does get that job that he'll still be able to come to my friend's wedding with me. I'm crossing my fingers. :]

Temple Symbolism

Last night I ran across a blog for "Mormon Boy". I discovered he was an excommunicated LDS because of his open homosexuality. He no longer believes the church is true and was openly mocking all that goes on inside the temple. He was going to publish all this in a book.
I was hurt and confused, even by the things he said that did happen in the temple. I was unsure and decided to search more on the temple. I found a forum of ex-Mormons who were talking about the temple. I was even more confused and nervous about what people were saying really happened in the temple. After reading their words, why in the world would I ever feel comfortable going though a wedding or take out my endowments in the temple.

I prayed before bed. I was hurt, confused, and feeling uncomfortable. I asked Heavenly Father to give me comfort, to help me understand.
This morning I googled "preparing to enter the temple" and found this talk. Maybe a fourth of the way in did I really find what I needed.

"Before going to the temple for the first time, or even after many times, it may help you to realize that the teaching of the temples is done in symbolic fashion. The Lord, the Master Teacher, gave much of His instruction in this way...

"We live in a world of symbols. We know nothing, except by symbols. We make a few marks on a sheet of paper, and we say that they form a word, which stands for love, or hate, or charity, or God or eternity. The marks may not be very beautiful to the eye. No one finds fault with the symbols on the pages of a book because they are not as mighty in their own beauty as the things which they represent. We do not quarrel with the symbol G-o-d because it is not very beautiful, yet represents the majesty of God. We are glad to have symbols, if only the meaning of the symbols is brought home to us...

"We live in a world of symbols. No man or woman can come out of the temple endowed as he should be, unless he has seen, beyond the symbol, the mighty realities for which the symbols stand. (“Temple Worship,” page 62.)"

It was this that really struck me. I belong to a sorority where we have our own ritual. Things are done in private and are sacred to us. Many of the things that happen during our ritual are symbolic. Our founders left it open to interpretation to each and every member, past, present, and future. No one knows if there was a specific meaning meant to come out of it, but each member interprets it their own way and it means something different to each and every one of us.

I relate this to the temple. I know I haven't been through but after reading about it I feel that I can relate the two. Things that go on in the temple are sacred, too. Things in the temple are all symbolic. No one know exactly what is meant of them but we interpret to an understanding that we can relate to personally. If we aren't prepared to enter the temple and look at the things that go on as symbols then we aren't getting what we need from the temple.

The people and their experiences that I read about were not prepared to enter the temple. They looked at everything too literal. We have to prepare ourselves to look beyond what is really happening to see the symbolism that will direct our lives.

I'm glad that Heavenly Father listens to me and can answer my prayers. This definitely brought my mind to ease. I'm glad that he tests me. I could have easily stopped reading that talk (it's ridiculously long) before reaching what would really touch me. I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father and all that he does for me.

Happy Face

I feel like life is almost perfect right now. Very surreal and kind of weird, especially knowing I have a lot to do physically/temporally and spiritually right now. I've been feeling quite amazing lately! I'm not entirely sure why, but I have much more energy and actually feel like accomplishing more. It's like fasting for my boyfriend did more for me.

I decided rather randomly that I was going to make mint brownies last night so I googled some recipes and started on them after everyone went to bed. While waiting for the brownies to cool, I finally got around to painting my toe nails. I cleaned some of my junk in the living room so my mom could maybe nag me less about my college mess. I finished my brownies and went to bed.

Got up a bit late this morning but still went out for a jog/run. This was like the first time I've ever purposely went out and ran, so I didn't get too far before having to walk, but I was still proud of myself. Unfortunately, I had to fight back the urge to throw up the rest of the way home. lol. My heart was racing, my head was pounding, but it felt great! I went outside to tan for a while since this was first time in a while that we've actually had sun. While tanning in the backyard I painted my finger nails! Whoo!

I've ordered some super adorable clothes recently, too!

And my childhood best friend's wedding reception is coming up and I messaged her about a place to stay for me and my boyfriend. She was super bubbly and excited and was totally willing to help me out. I know we may not still be absolute best friends, but she's still amazing and a wonderful woman. I'll always love her. She even said bye in our old little language. It was nice.

Life just seems pretty fantastic right now, well, besides the whole boyfriend part right now. Hopefully that'll all get sorted out soon. I hope my days keep getting better. :]

Sad Face

I figured I'd split posts about the last two days into two posts so it won't be so long to read.

I had a bit of a breakdown about the boyfriend yesterday. So we'll start with the bad and work our way to the good.

I managed to find a brand spankin' new job posting for the school and quickly informed him about it via text. He replies by asking me to fill it out for him and I happily obliged. I did not realize all the info I would really need from him so I just called. He was barely listening to me even after asking him several times to give me one of his reference's numbers. It very well could have been all the storms interfering with reception but I was still very frustrated. He eventually called me back and said he would just fill it out the next day. I still don't know if he did, I hope he did.

But this kind of attitude is really starting to bother me. "Oh, I'll just do it tomorrow" kind of attitude. He needs a job. Putting it off until tomorrow is not helping. He passes up even small jobs with the excuse that it won't give him enough hours. Then just get another job along with it! A job is a job and money is money. If he has a job, even if it's not covering everything, it'll be a lot easier for others to want to help him out and he could probably cover up that last little bit of money he owes a lot easier. It's all very frustrating. Especially knowing that I've lent him $100 already to cover his bills from last month and now I'm left paying the entire TV bill, that I'm not even watching until July.

I've pestered him a lot about saving more money and setting a budget. He kept telling me he would, but I just kept seeing him go off and splurge on some new video game or what not. I would be fine with this if it was like a $20 game every paycheck, but he was spending like $70+ every paycheck on movies, games, etc. He could have saved that money for a crisis like now.

I understand being upset over losing your job and having the trouble of finding a new one, especially in a college town, but I wish he would try his best to take care of the rest of his life. The last time I visited, only a week after being gone from school, his apartment was already a pit, worse than I've ever seen it. I'm left wondering if this is just him being a bachelor or just him, especially after feeling like I was the one always cleaning the place before.

All of these attitudes and behaviors I've seen from him have left me wondering if this is somone I really want to marry. I'm worried that I'll be the one left having to work all the time. Not that I have an issue with being the one who brings the income, but I don't want to feel like I have to be the one to always work. I'm afraid that I'll be the one always having to clean because he'll be too lazy to remember or care until last minute. And I'm definitely scared about money and budgeting.

I talked with my sister about how I could get him to clean more. I mean, if I set up a schedule for cleaning between the two of us for his apartment, how do I enforce it? As my sister suggested, I could tell him that if he doesn't do his share for the day or the week that I'll just stay at my own place without him.

It's just frustrating feeling like I have to discipline him or something. I hate feeling like I'm taking care of a child.

Maybe this is just a phase and it'll pass soon, or maybe I'll figure out soon that he's not the one I'm supposed to marry. Either way I hope everything works out.

YSA Dinner

So church was actually really great today. I decided this morning that I would fast for my boyfriend to find a job. He's been unemployed for a while now and he's desperately looking. It's rough nowadays. I get tired of my parents automatically jumping to the TV on Sunday mornings and it definitely takes away from the spirit in preparing for church, so I put in an old EFY CD and let it burn to my iTunes as I took a shower. Finished getting ready and listened to some nice music and read a general authority's talk on repentance. I tried my hardest to listen to the speakers and lessons today. I will admit, Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society was still slow and rather draining, but overall I feel like I listened a lot better and felt much happier about myself and being there. Well, besides literally freezing...

There was YSA dinner tonight for our stake about an hour away at the stake YSA leader's home. To start off, my sister was trying to figure out  if she should go or not because she has to work like an extra 2 hours every day this week to get off Thursday for our niece's high school graduation and she's also deathly allergic to cats and didn't know if the family had pets. She ended up going. Well, a new girl, Jessica* has joined the area for the summer because of an internship for school. We ended up carpooling with two boys from the other wards and Jessica. O.M.G. This girl does not shut. up. First she calls dibs for the middle back seat. Then the entire car ride she leans forward to talk to the boys, asking what they do, how old they are, etc. and rarely speaking or addressing my sister or myself. They all announce their age. All 19. I look at my sister, widen my eyes, and let out a silent groan. So young! But geez Jessica, it was obvious what she was doing, seemed overly pushy to me, but maybe guys are into that.

Everyone else in the car didn't know the family we were visiting, but my sister and I did. Our family's have a long history together. lol. Upon entering the home we are greeted with a very boisterous, "It's the Morrow sisters!" from many people in the room. After really scanning the room I realize I know a good majority of those present. Met up with an old friend I hadn't seen in almost two years. Quite exciting actually. Everyone gathers downstairs after dinner to play a game. What game? Oh... BoM/Bible charades. No not events, but people, like Sariah, Rachel, Aaron, and Mary. UGH. Who knows these well enough to guess them from acting them out? Terrible. Get dessert after and more time to just chat. And that was pretty much it for the evening. Definitely not a good chance to really mingle with others. Hopefully I can get to the YSA conference and actually meet some new people (hopefully guys [: ).

Overall rather blah kind of YSA event and I'm left feeling even older as I learn about more people who are my age and younger who are now married or even with kids. Ridiculous.


*Name has been changed for privacy

Growing up as a Mormon

So I'm starting to realize that I was uber sheltered as a child (and still seems that my parents try to shelter me), even for someone raised LDS.

Another kid told me my first curse word (the F word) in 5th grade, and even then I still didn't know what she was talking about.
I didn't even say my first curse word on purpose until I was like 15.
Only until recently, I'm 21 mind you, did my dad stop chastising me about saying the words "crap" and "sucks".

My parents wouldn't let us watch anything sexual and even "blocked" MTV growing up. I never got "the talk". I pretty much knew what sex was, but I never got any real discussion about sex until 7th grade sex ed class.

Anything caffeinated was/is taboo in our household. My mother throws a fit just knowing there's a caffeinated coke in her house. She tries to act like it's a commandment that we don't drink caffeine and I've called her out on it several times about how it's not actually against our religion or anything and there was even an apostle or prophet or something who drank a Mountain Dew to prove a point about this. She just completely ignores me.

I started wearing shorter shorts and skirts around age 15 and my mother about had a heart attack. Jeez. My skirts and shorts were still past my fingertips. She had the same feeling about anything sleeveless I wore, even if the straps were the width of my hand.

Heaven forbid I ever wear anything except a full one piece swimsuit. I thought I killed her when I bought a two piece for tanning.

Pretty sure I would kill her if I came straight out and told her everything I do or have done.

It just seems that I keep finding more and more people who were raised in the church but obviously raised completely different. I hope that I never shelter my children as much as I was sheltered...

Education Connection... say what?

Anyone else concerned with the fact that it took so long for another Education Connection commercial to come out?
Anyone else more concerned with the fact that the song seems worse than the original?
Anyone else even more concerned that they're advertising Education Connection on each commercial but different website addresses on them?

How do I know where I'm supposed to go!? Seriously though. Their commercials are obnoxious. There is an educationconnection.com, not sure if it's owned by them or not, but if not, why didn't they just change the title of their commercials or whatever?

*sigh*

Worst Near-Dating Experience

I've been reading a lot of Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad and started thinking about bad dates. I remembered this guy that I had completely forgotten about. Literally, I forgot all about him. I guess it was so horrific I've tried my best to block the entire situation from my mind.



So I went through this phase last year of trying to find LDS guys through eHarmony. Probably one of the worst things EVER. I found this guy, we'll call him Joe, who seemed decent. Taking advantage of the free eHarmony weekend I contacted him and we sent some emails back and forth.

The first email he sent me was just him talking about how he asks "extreme" questions to find out if he clicks with someone. Some of the questions were as follows:

"What would you do if a bear came up to you and we were together in the forest?
If Mickey Mouse got sick and they couldn't find a cure, would they put him in suspended animation?
If you were to setup a dinner before I showed up, what would you cook?
If evolution really works, then how come mother's only have two arms?
If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?
Do you know the muffin man?"

They were cute and kind of funny so I continued. I replied to his answers and asked some of my own. The answers I got back were good and to me seemed like a great guy, but then he went on this weird rambling rant I could barely follow. It made just about as much sense as a fat kid eating a salad.

He asked some more questions and this is literally the end of the email:

"What is your decorating style?
What is your favorite household chore? Least?
How much gaming do you actually do?
Are a clean freak, a messy person? Or somewhere in between?

Catch you later hun. "

Ugh. "Hun". Cute term of endearment... if you plan to stay in the friend zone. I've just had too many close guy friends call me "hun" to ever really associatie it with an actual love interest.
But ugh... I continued...

I asked some more questions and here was the beginning of his reply:

"GIRL, you totally involuntarily made my day. hahahahaha.... you get to laugh at this email because you TOTALLY asked the exact questions scam artists and identity thief's ask! hahahaaaa.... I know you sincerely didn't try to, but it still kind of happened. I don't think i've had this much fun filling out an email like this in a long time. I think the main thing that made it so fun was knowing the innocence of your attempt and what you were really driving at. oyyyyyyyyyyyyyy............................... You should totally text me"

And gave me his number. This email gets worse. He continued to make fun of me for my innocent mistake of asking him "scam artist" questions. I felt kind of humiliated.
Here's what pretty much ruined any chance he had of seriously dating me. The question in parenthesis was one of my questions to him. His reply:

"(If you had a son, would you let him play with barbies if he wanted to? Likewise, would you let your daughter play football if she wanted to?)

Well hopefully my daughter doesn't have testosterone pumping through her veins when she's playing it. And if I found my son playing with barbie dolls, he better be ripping the heads off, other wise I'll IMMEDIATELY get him into counseling instead of making the mistake many foolish parents now days make that contributes to feminism which ultimately plants seeds for gayism. Even if that wasn't the case, it could still get other kids my boys age to think of him as being gay (or as they say a "sissy") and then my son would have to deal with rejection which leads to ALL kinds of social problems which leads to emotional and mental problems. There's parent manuals on what to do in case of an unusual situation like that. I wouldn't care if my son played with barbie dolls, just as long as he responded to it in a normal male manner. If he plays with girls, and acts a little fruity, that's because well..... he's in front of a girl. I guess that would be normal."

Um... What? Really? "Gayism"? Lord. Do I have to explain what's so terrible about all this? Ugh. I just really hate terrible opinionated people like this.

I can't help but wonder what the hell I was thinking that I would even entertain the idea of texting him after this, but I did...

We texted for a while and he ended up calling me a couple of times. Our conversations were always akward. They were generally about him and he would try to make me laugh with akward jokes that really weren't so funny but I'd force myself to laugh sometimes out of pity.
After a while I just stopped texting him hoping he'd get the picture that I just didn't want anything to do with him. He eventually stopped texting and I didn't hear from him for a while. I'd literally forgotten about him when he texted me around Christmas time about how he was going to send me a gift. It was weird and akward and I never replied.

I wonder what he's doing now....

Ok not really. Lol

Just Me

So I'm starting fresh... AGAIN.
I started this other blog http://notsoperfectmormon.blogspot.com/ as Jackie M., but me, being the retarded self that I am forgot the email I created to manage the blog so here I am starting over.

I don't plan on revealing my name at any point so I'm going by Justine. This time, I'm not blogging about any one specific problem or issue or whatnot. This time, I'm blogging about me, just me, and pretty much anything I do and how I feel.

You may ridicule me for the things I say or the way I say them, but it's my thought process and I live and work through life. Learn to deal. It's just me here, Justine.

--------------

So, today. Honestly nothing really happened. Trying to clean out my room and nip this hoarding issue I have in the bud. Spent an hour scanning pictures and writings, and still got no where in my giant stack of papers. I'm such a tangible person, I need to touch and feel things, so this is really hard letting go of these things, even if I am scanning them to keep digital files. I'm sure I'll get over it, at least I hope so.

Did some nerdy things, tried to "hack" my own computer files to find saved passwords hoping I could return to my old blog, but to no avail.

So I know I'm not a big fan of county music and/or Taylor Swift, I feel that her songs are too similar overall, but I'm totes(I've been wanting to use that words all day, lol) digging her song 'Mean'. Great song! I really love it.

I'm hoping to get enough courage to get out and drive tomorrow or something. Sorry all, I don't have a license. I'm scared to drive! Yes, I'm 21 without a driver's license. I'm working on it.

Sorry for my jumbled train of thought and boring life today. It'll get better, at least I hope. :\


Kthnxbai. <3
Justine